 "Something's not Kosher" | 2009-08-27 |
| - Reviewed By Jason from Backwater, Alabama |
The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM)
1. Who is he? He's Charles Le Vaillant, a medieval knight who, in his later years where he resembles Moses, creates a Middle Eastern religious order comprised of Christians, Jews, and Muslims; and eventually, he becomes Rudy Cafmeyer, an amateur Indiana Jones, a smuggler whose father is an archaeologist.
2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? After that intro, I'm not quite sure.
3. Does he take his shirt off? With only a few seconds to spare
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress? Nope, but there is tension
5. Is there a tournament? No tournament
6. Is training needed for this tournament? Just a viewing of the Indiana Jones series (excluding the travesty with Shia LaBeouf) and a King Arthur movie oughta do it.
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament? There are several kicks of the upside-down T variety.
8. Does he punch someone in the balls? A short jab ends one man's family tree.
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? The man's still got it! He even unleashes a new flying split kick that dispatches to enemies
10. Is his enemy unbeatable? Dan Brown would be a better person to ask, because I'm sure the Illuminati is involved in this somehow
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance? Just the script and the music
12. Does he win? I think so.
Instead of "The Order," this movie should have been titled "The Ordeal," because that's what it is. With JCVD as co-writer, cohesion is thrown completely out the window. Religion and Ramadan, a prophecy from Cobra's Night Slasher and a cameo from Sean Connery, a treasure hunt and JCVD as a Hasidic Jew, secret caves and stolen artifacts - this movie is all over the treasure map, and I'm not sure anyone gets richer as a result. Exacerbating the problem is one of the worst musical scores I have ever heard. Only a tone deaf moron with no concept of cinematic timing could have contrived this complete distraction. Add in some very bad gun-fights and poorly framed car chases, and the world is on JCVD's shoulders and his fight sequences; they're good, but even Atlas shrugs.
The religious overtones are tolerable at best, and nauseatingly moronic at worst. There was an attempt to build some "Da Vinci Code"-esque background, but it the mystery unravels before it begins. The rest of the religion and meshing of cultures is understandably inserted, but nearly inconsequential to the plotline, and serve no other purpose than allow everyone a view of significant landmarks.
This goes down as one of the five least enjoyable JCVD flicks, but it's still the only one in which Van Damme has a Excalibur style sword-fight, sees Temple Mount and the Western Wall, kisses Sofia Milos, and engages in chase scenes so campy that I started humming Yakety Sax. |
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| "Offbeat Charm" | 2009-07-10 |
| - Reviewed By Lee Armstrong from Winterville, NC United States |
| Sheldon Lettich directed. He's also worked with Van Damme on films like "Double Impact" & "Hard Cops." The script loosely makes sense, although tying the egg opening to the later events in Israel boils down to a fence in Tel Aviv. Jean Claude plays Rudy Cafmeyer who is a smuggler and thief. While he may be a criminal, he's still Jean Claude Van Damme and the star of this movie; so we like him. The fight sequences play well with Van Damme as a better-looking Jason Statham. Vernon Dobtchoff plays Rudy's father Oscar who goes to Israel, gets kidnapped and therefore must be rescued. He does a good job of looking old & grizzly and moans a lot. As the action shifts to Israel, Van Damme is met by Professor Walter Finley, played by Charlton Heston. Heston has a presence that briefly enhances the film. Based on the actor's personal life, it is ironic that he gets shot. Ben Cross whose first film was the Oscar-winning "Chariots of Fire" plays the corrupt police chief Ben Ner. Cross brings intensity to a thinly written role. Brian Thompson who won Razzie nominations as worst actor for a Stallone flick looks intimidating as the religious cult leader Cyrus Jacob who on behalf of God wants to start World War III. Sofia Milos played for two seasons on TV's "CSI Miami" & gives what is really a good performance as Lt. Dalia Barr. Her Mediterranean good looks and ability to play action as well as emotion make her stand out. The ending credits play a keystone cops soundtrack as we see some outtakes from the action sequences. While "The Order" is not a good film, it has its own offbeat charm. Enjoy! |
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| "A pretty lame attempt at "funny" but o.k. nonetheless." | 2008-08-01 |
| - Reviewed By Richard J. Cozby from Clarksville, TN USA |
First off, this nothing like Indiana Jones. The only thing the two have in common is that the word "artifact(s)" is brought up in both movies.
The attempt at humor in this film could come off to many as just bad directing/acting/execution. I thin maybe some of it would make a 10-13 year old laugh, and while the movie is rated R there is no bad language and nothing more than people getting punched in the face. So don't be afraid to let your youngster see this.
The action is o.k. and the plot is week. While if you looking to collect every Jean-Claude Van Damme film out there this review probably won't stop you from buying this. If you are just looking for some good, "Muscles from Brussels" action though I recommend looking else where. |
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| "Nice to watch Sofia Milos." | 2008-01-27 |
| - Reviewed By Umbert Valassopoulos from Athens, Greece |
| A light film made all the more watchable by the presence of the actress Sofia Milos. Her presence is stimulating. |
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 "Where To Begin?" | 2006-04-08 |
| - Reviewed By Pearl Jam Freak from Virginia |
| Well, first of all the viewers of this movie should not take it seriously. Its not that type of movie. Its more of a campy/spunky type action film. Yeah, it is a lot like Indiana Jones, and isnt Van Dammes best, but still has many high points to it.....at least I think. If you want Van Dammes best acting DONT start here, go to In Hell, Wake of Death, Lionheart, or maybe Timecop for that. For his action/martial arts skills this isnt a bad place to go. It has quite a few good action scenes in it. Van Damme is always cool as hell and has some good lines. The ending is also pretty good as well. With the ending you get Van Dammes best kick(jumps and glides) out of all his movies he has ever done,even at his older age. The movie as a whole isnt nowhere near as bad as a lot of people think. Its just another action film that fans and MAYBE action fans should love. But like I said its NOT TO BE TAKEN REALLY SERIOUSLY. |
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| "The Order" | 2006-04-01 |
| - Reviewed By andreaharden |
| The plot line is thin but the action is great. Sofia Milos was great in this film. |
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