 "What Do You Get When You Combine Three Awful Movies Into One? Night Train To Terror, That's What." | 2008-09-21 |
| - Reviewed By Robert I. Hedges |
"Night Train to Terror" is a wretched combination of (apparently) three horrendously bad movies which have been edited down to a singular completely incoherent plot, with links added featuring good versus evil on a model train scheduled by Satan to crash at dawn, all combined in the format of a wretched music video from the 1980s, complete with breakdancing.
The first storyline concerns a man who kills his wife by driving off a bridge, and who then becomes involved in a plot to remove organs (only from attractive women) and sell them to medical schools. Plot emphasis is on random gore (including the most unrealistic beheading ever), bad dreams, and lots of screaming, all tied together with no production values.
After an intermission from the debate club on the train where horrible dialogue is exchanged (sample: "You have no tears; you don't know how to cry."; "I can laugh and cry at the same time.") interspersed with more of the same horrendous pop song and stock footage of a steam locomotive, the film progresses to subplot two, "The Case of Gretta Connors," which starts at a carnival with Gretta selling popcorn. Needless to say Gretta is a struggling musician and actress who only lives for stardom and playing the piano. She is quickly seduced by the evil George Youngmeyer, who puts her in risque movies. The oldest fraternity brother in history, Glenn, sees one of her films and falls in love with her. He then tracks her down (today this is called stalking) and they fall in love. George is furious and vows revenge. He involves them in something called "The Death Club" where members try to die in creative ways. I will tell you that while this movie is generally only worth one star (if that), I gave it a bonus star for the most hilarious special effect since "Robot Monster," namely the claymation "Tanzanian Winged Beetle" which could not be made funnier if they tried. The electrocution computer is also ludicrous as it melts the face of its randomly selected club member: watch for the classic line "Excuse me while I smoke." What isn't clear is why Glenn and Gretta decided to participate in this club if they were so in love and had such a lust for life. Also watch for the endless pontification on the subject of a wrecking ball, and a special guest appearance by Mark Ridley as Prince Flubutu.
After yet more singing the same old song and even more breakdancing, the case of Claire Hansen delves into a confusing and sacrilegious subplot about good versus evil in Nazi Germany, which segues into an extended disco and claymation debacle of epic proportions. It's kind of like "The Omen" combined with "Can't Stop The Music." This story was the most pretentious and the most boring. Fortunately it's only a half hour until the train wreck, which features a terrible scale model which would embarrass the producers of the Godzilla series. Finally, after a bit more pompous pontification, we get to see yet more of the song ("Everybody's got something to do, everybody but you!"), and after another round of breakdancing the credits roll, and not a moment too soon.
Although I am a hardened veteran of numerous B-movies, I found this one trying in the extreme: it took me four attempts to make it all the way through this mess. It turns out that when you put three otherwise awful films together into a single cinematic work that the synergistic effect does not improve them: to the contrary, the net result is one of the most jaw-droppingly bad films in memory.
I do not recommend this movie for humans. |
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 "How To Watch This Movie While Sober..." | 2006-05-11 |
| - Reviewed By bigfootsalienbaby from under the rubble |
| Step 1- Fast forward past the ultra-stupid musical sequences. Trust me, you won't miss them! Step 2- Skip the whole God / Satan philosophical debate segments. They're boring and add nothing to the 3 actual stories. Step 3- Take your brain out and hide it under the bed or behind a dresser. Now you're ready! As said in other reviews, this "film" is an anthology of three condensed movies that make little sense. However, they are a lot of fun to watch! Yes, the demonic bug, rattling head, claymation monsters, and maniacal Richard Moll are all highlights. Sit there stunned, watching a flurry of naked babes, blood, torture, mad science, nazis, and a secret death club! If Ed Wood were alive, he'd weep w/ joy! Watch it now!... |
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| "Horrendous Horror Film: Best Viewed Late Night by Adults" | 2005-11-01 |
| - Reviewed By Saint Seiya from Lennox, Ca United States |
| Well, I'm very sure that by today's horror standards, Night Train To Terror, released in 1984, is tame, but there were moments in the film that were genuinely frightening in its intensity. On DVD, it has been restored to look crisp and new, with great sound. It all begins with a train ride where abet between God and the Devil, a classic theological theme (as presented in the Book of Job)triggers a series of horror vignettes. The struggle between good and evil abounds in these stories. The first tale is of a man who becomes a guinea pig for a group of doctors who cut off body parts (without anesthesia) to sell them off to schools. The second story is about a wayward young girl who gets trapped in the world of pornography and a deadly cult who play a fatal game of Russian Roulette. This particular one is awfully disturbing, especially a scene in which a Jimmy Hendrix type is electrocuted to a crisp. This material is R-rated and I sense this film probably aired late nights on TV or cable in the 80's. The last story is about a courageous woman whose husband is the Devil incarnate who was also a former Nazi officer. The heroine defeats the devil with a box made of the True Cross. The whole thing is a mixture of cult campiness and 80's nostalgia. The song "Dance With Me" is straight out of early MTV as the young kids dance on the train that is awaiting a collision. Not for the faint of heart. |
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| "Late Night Horror Classic From 1984" | 2004-07-28 |
| - Reviewed By Anonymous |
Released in '84, "Night Train To Terror" was an instant late night horror cult classic. It enjoyed a following in its day although it has gone on the wayside. But anyone interested in cult classics of horror will really find this rare find appealing. The movie is a series of vignettes, three major cases argued by God and the Devil as a group of punk rockers ride an evening train. Warning: This movie is very gory, violent and scary and rated R. Kids under 16 more or less should not watch this film. Not for the faint of heart.
God and the Devil battle over souls in a philosophical "Seventh Seal" sort of way. The first case is Harry Billings (John P. Law)a man caught up in the horrors of a hospital in which patients are unwillingly severed and their body parts encased in jars for donation. Gory and disgusting scenes are rampant as the rest of the movie. The second case is that of a young girl who dreams of fame and fortune. She is made into a porn star by a domineering boyfriend/director. She joins a Death Club which plays a twisted Russian Roulette resulting in the electrocution of a Jimmi Hendrix look-alike. That scene is veyr disturbing and not intended for younger viewers. Actually, it is very unnecessary but the director of this film was getting away with nudity, violence and gore because it was late night. The last case is that of Claire Hansen, a faithful God-fearing woman, married to an atheist scientist who has written a controversial book "God Is Dead". The segment opens with a nightmare sequence involving the Nazis in World War II days. The final confrontation between good and evil collide as Claire faces the Devil's son. The claymation here is used for the images of demons (including one female demon named Ishtar). This movie is very bad if you really think about it but then again many bad movies have enjoyed popularity. As far as horror film goes, this film is a rare cult classic that appears tame and even intellectual in a "talky" way compared to the slice and dice slasher films of today with less plot. |
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| "Everybody's got something to do....everybody but you!" | 2004-07-03 |
| - Reviewed By Spunk Monkey from The pit of despair |
| This is, put simply, one of the greatest films of all time...if you like to watch movies while drunk and stoned! As stated elsewhere, the movie is actually three movies with a wrap around, so it moves at an incredible, surreal clip; lurching forward without any explanation or boring parts- decapitations, nudity, suicide cults, inexplicable behavior- all interweaven into a truly bizarre cinematic experience. The tie together, God and Satan on a train, is made sublime by the inclusion of, and I am not joking, 80's breakdancers getting down to one of the funniest songs that will penetrate your mind (hence the title of this review)! This is really, truly one of the great party movies and I recommend it to anyone who finds delirium in finding the strange, perverse, and Dadaish on the outer fringes of the movie watching universe. An underground cult classic. |
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| "Better than you ever imagined" | |
| - Reviewed By Anonymous |
| God, the devil, and a hip 80s new wave band hang out together on a train. God and the devil debate the value of humanity, while watching clips from 3 other movies, 2 of which feature "bull" from nightcourt, with hair. Disgusting gore, topless girls, tacky claymation, its got all you could want and more! |
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