 "extremely useful for toddlers!" | 2009-08-22 |
| - Reviewed By User: A3JYILDJDS8H6X |
I have never reviewed a book before, but I found this book to be so useful that I had to give it the highest rating available. I have recommended it to many people, and several have felt that it was as useful as I did.
While I was reading it, I thought I would just dog-ear the pages that were particularly helpful or instructive, and I wound up dog-earing almost every other page! I found the examples to be very realistic and instructive.
I started reading it when my son just turned 2 and had just randomly (it seemed) started spitting, especially when I was nursing his new baby sister. Obviously, it was a bid for attention, but we were not going to allow him to spit even if we understood why he did. We tried time-outs without luck (he would just go sit and do his time-out, and then happily start spitting again, prompting another time-out, followed by more spitting--rinse and repeat). That same week, I attended a free mommy & me class offered by a Conscious Discipline practitioner, and I asked her for advice about the spitting and the trouble we'd been having with time-out. She said flat out "Time-outs don't work," and that resonated with my experience so far. She advised me to say, "Son, you are spitting at me. You may not spit at me or anyone. It seems that you want my attention. When you want my attention, you can use one finger and tap my shoulder, like this. Here, practice it now. That's it! You're doing it. You're tapping my shoulder. Now I know that you want my attention." I thought that was a lot to say, especially to a 2 year old who didn't talk much yet, and she said, "or just say, You may not spit at me. If you want to spit, go spit in the sink." I was skeptical, but I tried it, and I was surprised to find that it worked! He stopped spitting at me almost right away, and he even went to spit in the sink a few times instead. One of the keys was noticing what he was doing without judging ("You are spitting at me" vs. "Stop spitting right now!"), and another was telling what TO do ("go spit in the sink") instead of simply what not to do. I also said what not to do ("You may not spit at me or anyone."), but I only said it once and didn't focus on it (Dr. Bailey says that what you focus on you get more of, so the time outs kept him focused on the spitting).
That practitioner had directed me to look up this book to learn more about the Conscious Discipline method. I especially like the idea of offering the child a time when he could do it (eg, "go spit in the sink") rather than just saying "no" or "don't do that!" over and over I like that she suggests not to say "We don't hit (or bite or spit or whatever)." That always sounds ridiculous since the kid obviously just did hit or bite or spit. She suggests, instead, to say "You may not hit (or bite or spit)." That simply makes sense.
Another idea I liked was the use of positive choices: give the child two choices, both of which are correct/acceptable, instead of trying to force them to do something. For example, when my son wants to stay at preschool and play with the toys there and I want to get him home, I used to have to actually pick him up and carry him to the car. Now, instead, I say, "Son, we have to go home now. When we get home, do you want to play with your trains or your puzzles?" He thinks for a second and then says, "puzzles." "Alright! You want to play with puzzles? Let's get going so we can find those puzzles then!" And off we go. I manage to get his attention, teach him to make a choice, and get him out of there (my original goal) without having to physically carry him. I have used choices down to something like this: "You have to put that away. What hand are you going to use to put that away? Your right hand or your left hand?" And he actually stopped and thought and chose a hand and put the thing away! I honestly was floored when that happened.
I could go on and on, but I will end with restating that I find these techniques useful and practical and try to incorporate them into my dealings with my son as much as possible. I plan to use them with my daughter as well. |
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 "I wish she treated parents the way she asks us to treat our kids" | 2009-08-06 |
| - Reviewed By User: A2F1SFOARJR8VA |
| I want to be the best mom I can be for my children. There are many good tips for achieving this in this book, most revolve around modeling the behavior and tools I wish to imbue with my child. However, this book begins with the premise that traditional roles are bad, and that they place children in a position of subservience. She compares these roles to racism, as well. I am a homemaker, and I most certainly am not subservient to my husband! My children will grow up with us showing them how to respect all people, and that relationship begins with respecting their parents and siblings. Rules are guidelines that give the kids boundaries so that they can blossom and grow. The book begins with the assumption that parents are the bad guys--and I believe this because of the way that the author talks down to us. If she used the same kind of loving language to encourage us and bolster our confidence that she wished for us to use with our kids, while explaining how good behavior and habits encourages our children, then it would be a lot easier to digest. As is, I smell a stinker--she is not practicing what she preaches. We are to act as God's stewards of our children and show respect to all people, and I hope that the author learns respect for adults, as well--even the parents who have not grown up with the kind of love and self-respect it takes to pass on to their children. I do not want to see parents chastised for something that they couldn't help. They need to be loved into seeing the truth of how to relate to their kids. Adults are still the kids they used to be-- I love the book "I Love You Rituals" by this same author, I wonder if she wrote it later? Even authors have a journey of evolution and self-discovery! God bless her, she has the children's best interest at heart. |
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 "Not really positive discipline" | 2009-07-17 |
| - Reviewed By christy_dorman |
My major beef with this book is summed up in this little quote on pg 189 "Loving guidance requires a shift from the reliance on punishment and rewards to a reliance on consequences in order to help children learn from their mistakes." My problem with it is that the "consequences" she suggests are actually almost all punishments. She suggests grounding, sending a child to his room for the rest of the day, making the kid eat dinner alone, and more. I would sum up her advice by saying this, "Here's a whole bunch of stuff you can try before you punish, but if that doesn't work to make the kid obey you, go ahead and use punishment to motivate them to comply with your requests." The worst part is that on the surface, she makes it SEEM as if she's saying the opposite. It's not about punishment, it's about learning. You can't make people do things, you can just make them "want to choose" to do what you want (by making them unhappy if they don't, if no gentler method works). It seems as if the author is ultimately afraid to actually take her own advice.
There is some good stuff in here, particularly the "self-help" part (hence 2 stars), where she goes through disciplining yourself first so that you can model the kind of behavior you want your children to emulate. However, Marshall Rosenberg's "Principles of Nonviolent Communication" does a much better job of teaching many of these same skills, and you won't have to wade through the contradictory parenting advice to get it.
If you're looking for a book to give you alternatives to rewards and punishments and to help get you out of a cycle of power struggles with your kids, Larry Cohen's "Playful Parenting" or Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" are both much better choices. They both give many more options for ways to change your interactions with your child to make power struggles less common AND options besides punishments and rewards when the power struggles do arise. |
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| "Great tool!" | 2009-07-01 |
| - Reviewed By User: A3SB2I0T4O6BUU |
| This book really makes you think about how you are talking to your children, why you treat them the way you do, and how to make real changes to build a more healthy relationship through constructive, loving discipline. |
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| "the only parenting book needed" | 2009-04-10 |
| - Reviewed By User: A4IDDYVDVJ9US |
| Ms. Bailey explains that parents need to learn self control before they can discipline their children, but understanding her assumptions and making simple attitude adjustments will create the values in your children that matter most. |
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 "Wonderful Ideology and Examples" | 2009-01-13 |
| - Reviewed By User: A3FT9JL12A36GG |
| I love this book and recommend it often! The only reason I give it a 4 is that chapter 11, which is supposed to show you how to apply the principals taught in the rest of the book, falls very very short in my opinion. It confused me. I feel that she contradicts herself. This chapter just does not fit with the rest of the book for me. That said, the majority of this book presents a lot of really great ideas that make total sense! The examples she gives throughout the book are also excellent and prove that there is practical application for these ideas even if the chapter dedicated to that purpose does not exemplify this fact. |
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