 "An inside look at the abusive personality" | 2009-10-16 |
| - Reviewed By User: AJ4AKIGSHQJLM |
I have never before found such an insightful book concerning the common behavior of emotionally abusive men. It's as if I have finally found a way to verbalize the purgatory in which I have been immersed for the past 6 years. If you know there is something wrong with your relationship, but every time you try to express your feelings you are accused of attacking your partner or being too demanding; if you feel like your partner does not respect you or anything you have to say; if you feel like your partner would rather take advice from a pole than from you; or that no matter what happens your partner finds a way to make the whole thing your fault, you should read this book!
It will help you determine if your partner is indeed abusive and if he is the type of individual who might actually change (or one that probably won't).
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| "why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft" | 2009-10-11 |
| - Reviewed By User: A2THL3OW54FFIE |
| Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men After 46 years of marriage and bringing up four wonderful children I have finally found the explanations (in plain English )that I only dreamed about in the past. I would have given anything to have had this knowledge available to me years ago when all of this started, which was 1 month after a lovely wedding which followed 4 years of courtship the old- fashioned way. I have searched my soul endlessly for answers as to why such a loving, doting, dependable, kind-hearted,well-mannered,totally faithful husband could suddenly turn into the most hard-hearted,demanding,foul-mouthed,fault-finding,totally uncompromising,ferociously angry man I had ever met! I grew up with always gentle, kind and loving christian parents, grandparents, aunt,uncles and all the rest and was totally unprepared for the type of behavior I was witnessing on almost a daily basis. My vows "for better or for worse" were for life because of my religious faith. The torment I have been through, and our children as well, has made us all stronger only because of the love of God first and the network of loving family and friends which surrounded us, none of whom knew the depth of our despair. At one point my husband agreed to marital counseling during which he was told that he was a very angry person. We needed to continue that counseling but because of financial constraints and a son who became chronically ill, we could not continue. As odd as it may seem, our son's illness brought us closer together over the next several years as our focus was on him so much of the time, and we had 3 other children as well. However, even during these times, that undercurrent of anger was always there, and sometimes the seemingly smallest incident would turn into a tyrannical outburst of rage. At one time when the children were between 6 and 12 years old I secretly talked to them about my consideration of a divorce. They even agreed. They were miserable too. After much thought and prayer I decided I just couldn't, mainly because I feared losing my children and because I thought no one could possibly understand what we were going though with. It was so hard to put into words and my husband and their father was so good much of the time. We all knew he loved us and we all loved him. We just could not understand his behavior. Our children are all grown now and have their own families. They have all had to deal with some kind of psychological problem related to years of living with a father they loved but often hated. I bought a copy of this book , read it through with utter amazement at the truthfulness of it's content and then ordered a copy for each of our children so that they could finally see in print what they had witnessed in real life, all of their lives. I know that the excellent information in this book will be tremendously helpful to them and hopefully will finally set them free. I believe it will help to guard them against repeating this cycle of abuse, since my husband's father was also abusive, something I didn't realize at a very young when my I first met my husband to be. I am thankful that because my husband witnessed so much physical abuse he was determined not to be "that way". He has never understood, however, that there is much more to abuse than hitting, slapping, and shoving someone to the floor. I hope with the knowledge I now have, that somehow with God's help, life can be better and we can all begin to heal. I don't expect perfection in anyone or even in my marriage, but I know life can be so much better. I hope many others will read this excellent book in order to help themselves or someone they know in this situation. Thank you Lundy Bancroft and God bless you! |
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| "Best book out there on emotional abuse - not just violence, not just domestic abuse" | 2009-10-03 |
| - Reviewed By thebooklover |
Words like "domestic violence" sprinkled all over this Amazon page (editorial review, keywords) might make you think this book is only written for victims of physical violence. You might think "maybe this book is not for me, he is not THAT bad." No. This book is primarily about recognizing patterns of emotional abuse and how to respond to them. If you think you are being emotionally abused - by your spouse, by your supervisor or boss, by anyone who has power over you - consider reading this book. This book is NOT just about physical abuse. Quite the opposite, the author says it focuses on emotional abuse. After Bancroft describes the ten types of abusers, he does single out two (the drill sergeant and the terrorist) as especially likely to become dangerous:
"I have focused on the emotionally abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers, any of them may also use physical violence, including sexual assault. Although the Terrorist and Drill Sergeant are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so."
However emotional abuse can still be severely damaging, whether or not he is also physically abusive. The key to whether this book is for you is not whether he is physically violent, the key is: does he fit these characteristics of an angry and controlling abuser? If he (or she) does, read this book.
#1 He is controlling
#2 He feels entitled
#3 He twists things into their opposites (makes it sound you like you are abusing him)
#4 He disprespects his partner and considers himself superior to her
#5 He confuses love and abuse ("I was sick of watching her ruining her life. I care too much about her to sit back and do nothing about it")
#6 He is manipulative
#7 He strives to have a good public image
#8 He feels justified ("she pushed me too far, she knows how to push my buttons, there's only so much a man can take")
#9 Abusers deny and minimize their abuse
#10 Abusers are possessive ("why is he so insanely jealous?")
This book can be very helpful in a lot of situations that are not domestic abuse too. Due to a change in management I ended up with a controlling and manipulative boss. I read a couple other books on manipulative persons and verbal abuse, however in some ways this book - supposedly focused only on domestic abuse of women - went much deeper and did a far better of describing my boss's behavior and thinking than the more "general" books on verbal abuse and manipulation. I only discovered this book because I saw it on the bookshelf of someone who volunteered at a domestic abuse shelter. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense was also practical and useful, however it was Bancroft's book that convinced me there was no changing this guy and no middle ground, that the longer anyone stayed around the more he would savagely sabotage people's reputations to keep them from finding jobs elsewhere and escaping him. This book helped me understand his tactics and defend myself (and my career) while I looked for another job and made my plan to leave.
As a single person, this book could be very helpful to read BEFORE you end up in a potentially abusive situation. Bancroft has a whole chapter on how abuse begins. Far too often single women assume that the man who acts most jealous and pays them the most attention is also the one who loves them most strongly and cares for them most. Bancroft sounds a vital warning here that real love has to include respect. A person who genuinely loves you wants what is best for you and supports your self-esteem and independence. Hey, no one pays more attention to you, has stronger feelings for you, and is more jealous of you than an angry and controlling abuser. But a strong desire to possess and control you like an object isn't love. Bancroft gives many of the early warning signs to look for: the abuser has double standards, he speaks disrespectfully about his former partners, he is disrespectful toward you, he puts on such a show of generousity that he makes you feel uncomfortable and does favors you don't want (so you will feel you owe him), he is controlling and possessive, nothing is ever his fault, he intimidates you when he's angry, he treats you differently (better) around other people, he appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
He writes that the central and key personality trait of an angry and controlling abuser is a sense of entitlement. An abuser is neither a monster or a victim - the core problem with any type of abuser is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong (p. 35). "Abuse grows from atittudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control." I believe the author is right when he says most physically abusive partners are men. However there are plenty of emotionally-abusive women out there too. After reading this book I was able to almost instantly recognize the key patterns of angry and abusive partners in a bizarre woman who took an instant strong interest on me, a woman who went on to behave like a stalker in her attempts to follow me around to get me to ask for her number and ask her out, and try to drive away "competition." The key to stopping her was to recognize her tactics AND be able to calmly and clearly describe them to others so they could clearly see what she was really doing. When I did this, she just as suddenly dropped out of sight, even resigning an officer's position in one of the many groups she joined in her attempts to follow me around.
There is not just one type of abuser. Based on his seventeen years working with abusers and victims, Bancroft lists ten types of abusive men and while some of them are very obviously abusers, other types can be very insidious and subtle:
1. The Demand Man - It's your job to do things for me. If I'm unhappy it's your fault.
2. Mr. Right - I know better than you do, when you disagree with me that is mistreatment of me.
3. The Water Torturer - I know how to get under your skin, you are crazy and fly off the handle, as long as I'm calm nothing I do is abuse no matter how cruel
4. The Drill Sergeant - I need to control your every move or you'll do it wrong, he criticizes your every move, you shouldn't have anyone else in your life but me, I will watch you like a hawk to keep your from developing strength or independence, I love you but you disgust me (!!)
5. Mr. Sensitive - I'm against "macho men" so I couldn't be abusive, I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, I can get inside your head, I use psychobabble such that no one will believe I am abusing you, you should be grateful I'm not like those "macho men."
6. The Player - if you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn't have to turn to other women, women were put on this earth to have sex with men, women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are b****es
7. Rambo - strength and aggressiveness are good, femininity is inferior, women are here to serve men and be protected by them, you belong to me like a trophy.
8. The Victim - everybody has done me wrong, I've had it so hard I'm not responsible for my actions, it's justifiable for me to do whatever I feel you are doing to me and even worse to make sure you get the message, women who claim they are mistreated are anti-male
9. The Terrorist - I would rather die than accept your right to independence, women are evil and have to be terrified to keep that evil in check, seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying, you have no right to defy me or leave me
10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser - I'm not abusive - I'm just (alcoholic/drug-addicted/manic depressive, etc.), I am not responsible for my actions because of psychological or abuse problems, if you challenge me about abusiveness you are being mean to me and don't understand my problems, when you challenge me it triggers my illness and you are responsible for what I do
Still not sure if this book is for you? Bancroft answers questions like "when is it abuse?" Is there a distinct line that I can keep my eye on so I know when he has crossed it? Since nobody's perfect, how do I know the difference between a bad day when he's just being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more certain. Remember, this book is not just for victims of domestic violence. If you think you might be emotionally abused, read this book. |
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 "If you're reading this review, you'll benefit from the book." | 2009-09-14 |
| - Reviewed By User: A38CQVV5ZW6KRL |
I'm in the process (early stages) of just recognizing, dealing with the issue, and healing. I have no psychological training, but I've lived with an abusive husband for 30 years. This book is worth the read, although it may be too truthful. I appreciate (and needed to hear) the truth. If you've lived with the "lie" and have finally figured out what's happening, it sure is nice to know the reality of the situation! Lundy Bancroft puts it all out there on the table.
First and foremost, read the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans!!! That's an absolute must-read, and an absolute must-read-first!!! But by all means, this has been the second best book I've come across on the topic of verbal/emotional abuse. We may not be able to change our partner, but we can and must change ourselves!
If you're reading about this book, there's a good chance you have a problem in your relationship. If it's early on in the relationship, don't walk away... run. If you know a friend with this problem, first give them the Verbally Abusive Relationship. Then, by all means give them Why Does He Do That? Both reassure you that it's not really your fault, something you need to hear repeatedly, but this book tells you the facts of the situation and lays out your options. It also helps you overcome your denial. |
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| "Not Just For Abused Women" | 2009-09-10 |
| - Reviewed By User: A1N2ROXV9COSRQ |
Mr. Bancroft's book is a real eye-opener. It is a thoughtful and detailed work written by an expert abuse counselor who knows abusive men very well. It is, at the very least, a badly-needed MASTERPIECE.
Why Does He DO That? examines a number of different things about abusive men, including:
- The many myths of abusive men and the foolish and absurd excuses that they come up with
- The realities of abusive men (his controlling ways, possessiveness, etc.)
- The nine types of abusive men ("Mr. Right", "The Water Torturer", "The Player", and "The Terrorist" to name a few. There is one other type I wish Bancroft would have added, however: "The Lazy Slob")
- The makings of an abusive man, and how abuse begins in a relationship
- When abusive men want sex, and how they look at sex
- The role of drugs and alcohol in relationships
- Breaking up with an abusive man and how to leave him safely (here, Bancroft includes a very impressive safety plan for women, children, gay men, etc.), and crucial steps to take when dealing with him (i.e., calling the police or an abuse hotline)
- The abusive man as a father, and when men abuse their children
- The abusive man and the legal system
- Changing the abusive man (which includes things that help a person determine whether or not he is truly changing)
Additionally, throughout this book, Bancroft asks 20 questions that he often hears from his clients (i.e., "Is he abusing me on purpose?", "Is he really sorry?"), and attempts to answer them thoroughly.
At the very end, Bancroft provides a list of additional domestic violence resources (books, hotlines, etc.) that the abused can turn to if they feel they need additional information or extra help.
This book should be read not just by abused women, but also by abused gay men, as well as abused children. I also think it is an exceptional read for attorneys, lawyers, prosecutors, judges, counselors, etc. - ANYONE who has dealt with abusive men.
Thank you, Mr. Bancroft, for a great book. |
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| "Excellent to help family & friends of abuse victims" | 2009-07-30 |
| - Reviewed By User: A26E7HZJ9ESEX6 |
| I bought this book to help me to understand the situation of my sister, who is divorcing her abuser. Goal accomplished! On page after page, I saw my brother-in-law's behavior. Lundy Bancroft hits so many points with unerring accuracy. He seems to have an insight into that most scary place, the abuser's mind. |
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