Reviews Written By: A2ONX168AJOETVprovided by Amazon.com |
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 | Star Wars Trilogy (Full Screen Edition) | |
 | "New Version out soon! 2010" | 2009-06-15 |
| Everyone seems upset about the special edition computerized effects that Lucas added to these films, but these ARE his creations, so let him do as he pleases. Lucas is currently modifying the first film for the next "Even More Specialer Edition" which is coming soon in 2010, and after speaking with him directly, I am very excited about the new changes! In the upcoming release of "A New Hope," Greedo will not only shoot first, but he shoots every creature in the bar scene, except Han. Han will no longer fire his weapon, because Greedo fatally shoots himself in this version. Lucas has also decided to convert all Stormtroopers into pro-football players, and being a lifelong fan of the Houston Oilers, he has chosen their defunct uniforms as the model by which his squadron of computer goons will work with. I feel the super-imposed uniform colors will contrast perfectly with the Empire's lifeless gray and black uniforms, as well as making the old stormtroopers' boring white outfits a thing of the past, just as Lucas had envisioned originally but was unable to do in the 70's when the Oilers refused to allow their uniforms to be "commercialized" in such a manner. Bet you didn't know that, did ya? Chewbacca will be replaced by Jar Jar Binks, in a move motivated soley by the immense popularity of Jar Jar, and the fact that wookies have always been considered the least popular characters amongst true fans of the Lucas logic. The original Chewbacca outfit has since been destroyed, so forget about looking online for this collector's item because it's gone. The Milenium Falcon has been converted to a hot air baloon, in order to lengthen the escape scene from Mos Eisley. This was secretly Lucas's favorite moment in the series, and he has plotted to expand the run time of the scene for years. The hot air baloon will take approximately 20 minutes to fully inflate, and an additional 15 minutes to lift off. I personally cannot wait to see this cinematic triumph for myself! George asked me not to divulge any more information, but I'm sure you're all excited for these new changes!! I have pre-ordered my personal copy already, and you should do the same! | ||
 | Star Wars Trilogy (Widescreen Edition) | |
| "New Version out soon! 2010" | 2009-06-15 |
| Everyone seems upset about the special edition computerized effects that Lucas added to these films, but these ARE his creations, so let him do as he pleases. Lucas is currently modifying the first film for the next "Even More Specialer Edition" which is coming soon in 2010, and after speaking with him directly, I am very excited about the new changes! In the upcoming release of "A New Hope," Greedo will not only shoot first, but he shoots every creature in the bar scene, except Han. Han will no longer fire his weapon, because Greedo fatally shoots himself in this version. Lucas has also decided to convert all Stormtroopers into pro-football players, and being a lifelong fan of the Houston Oilers, he has chosen their defunct uniforms as the model by which his squadron of computer goons will work with. I feel the super-imposed uniform colors will contrast perfectly with the Empire's lifeless gray and black uniforms, as well as making the old stormtroopers' boring white outfits a thing of the past, just as Lucas had envisioned originally but was unable to do in the 70's when the Oilers refused to allow their uniforms to be "commercialized" in such a manner. Bet you didn't know that, did ya? Chewbacca will be replaced by Jar Jar Binks, in a move motivated soley by the immense popularity of Jar Jar, and the fact that wookies have always been considered the least popular characters amongst true fans of the Lucas logic. The original Chewbacca outfit has since been destroyed, so forget about looking online for this collector's item because it's gone. The Milenium Falcon has been converted to a hot air baloon, in order to lengthen the escape scene from Mos Eisley. This was secretly Lucas's favorite moment in the series, and he has plotted to expand the run time of the scene for years. The hot air baloon will take approximately 20 minutes to fully inflate, and an additional 15 minutes to lift off. I personally cannot wait to see this cinematic triumph for myself! George asked me not to divulge any more information, but I'm sure you're all excited for these new changes!! I have pre-ordered my personal copy already, and you should do the same! | ||
 | Star Wars Trilogy | |
| "New Version out soon! 2010" | 2009-06-15 |
| Everyone seems upset about the special edition computerized effects that Lucas added to these films, but these ARE his creations, so let him do as he pleases. Lucas is currently modifying the first film for the next "Even More Specialer Edition" which is coming soon in 2010, and after speaking with him directly, I am very excited about the new changes! In the upcoming release of "A New Hope," Greedo will not only shoot first, but he shoots every creature in the bar scene, except Han. Han will no longer fire his weapon, because Greedo fatally shoots himself in this version. Lucas has also decided to convert all Stormtroopers into pro-football players, and being a lifelong fan of the Houston Oilers, he has chosen their defunct uniforms as the model by which his squadron of computer goons will work with. I feel the super-imposed uniform colors will contrast perfectly with the Empire's lifeless gray and black uniforms, as well as making the old stormtroopers' boring white outfits a thing of the past, just as Lucas had envisioned originally but was unable to do in the 70's when the Oilers refused to allow their uniforms to be "commercialized" in such a manner. Bet you didn't know that, did ya? Chewbacca will be replaced by Jar Jar Binks, in a move motivated soley by the immense popularity of Jar Jar, and the fact that wookies have always been considered the least popular characters amongst true fans of the Lucas logic. The original Chewbacca outfit has since been destroyed, so forget about looking online for this collector's item because it's gone. The Milenium Falcon has been converted to a hot air baloon, in order to lengthen the escape scene from Mos Eisley. This was secretly Lucas's favorite moment in the series, and he has plotted to expand the run time of the scene for years. The hot air baloon will take approximately 20 minutes to fully inflate, and an additional 15 minutes to lift off. I personally cannot wait to see this cinematic triumph for myself! George asked me not to divulge any more information, but I'm sure you're all excited for these new changes!! I have pre-ordered my personal copy already, and you should do the same! | ||
 | Kingdom of the Spiders | |
| "Shatner, King Of Spiders" | 2009-02-06 |
| When faced with the absolute magnificence one witnesses in this film, it's difficult to find the words needed to express such joy, let alone organize them in any manner. I feel a rush of sensations, all blindly driving my passions into a whirlwind of pleasure. Yes, the great William Shatner stars in this outing, and his impeccable acting alone is worthy of admission costs, but surprisingly, he is upstaged by two things: hordes of tarantulas stealing the scenes, and the most exquisitely cultivated male scream you will EVER encounter. In one solitary scene, this movie lays waste to every other cinematic achievement in the history of motion pictures. The town's mayor has hired a crop-dusting pilot to spray deadly insecticide across the region infested with tarantulas, thus ensuring the annual local fair will proceed as scheduled, but our eight-legged protaganists counter with a deadly plan that transforms the pilot's cockpit into a tomb. In his final moments, this heroic, godlike vision of a man is swarmed by warmly embracing arachnids, and he unleashes the grandest of all screams. He continues to evoke his heavenly shrieking for the entire duration of his glorious exit from the realm of the living. I'm left speechless when attempting to describe the sheer beauty of this scene, but every creature walking this earth is but a mere speck of dust in comparison to the divine frequency unlocked by this man's diaphragm. This, without question, is the peak of cinematic mastery. The rest of the movie is not without value either. The work of William Shatner is a configuration of talent that needs no introduction, for he is admired by the masses, worshipped as an artistic genius, and for his very existence we are all unworthy to serve as viewers. His role in this movie need not be discussed, for it goes without saying that his time onscreen is comparable to a sultan's ransom in fine jewels. Only a sheer fool will deny this. I am no fool. I am also indebted to this film for the knowledge it has bestowed upon me. In the case that I, or my loved ones, were ever to be trapped in a ranch-styled hotel/restaurant blanketed by deadly tarantulas, we are now fully educated with the proper means of survival. First, and most importantly, if you're carrying a handgun, and a tarantula is biting your opposing hand, the best thing to do is shoot this hand off as gorily as possible. After evaluating this scenario countless times, I can see no better way to handle the situation. Second, if a ceiling vent appears to be blocked by tarantulas, the best thing to do is remove the vent while standing directly underneath it, so as to provide a landing space for the falling beasts, as this will better allow you to assess the situation, rather than allowing the spiders freedom to land elsewhere. The third and final lesson to be mentioned here is that if you're driving, and suddenly realise that tarantulas are crawling across your flesh, the quickest and most logical solution is to drive off the nearest cliff, and pray that flames will consume the scoundrels. The quality of the dvd release is exceptional. There is footage present which I had not seen in previous releases, or even on television as a child. The picture quality is perfect, as well as the audio, and although some will complain about a lack of "extra" features, I am more than happy just being able to see the movies I grew up with in pristine shape. All other movies cower at the mention of this film, and it's impossible to deny this reality. Perfection is too light of a term to confine the overwhelming qualities of this magical cinematic experience, so rush out and enlighten yourself to the absolute grandeur of KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS. | ||
 | Escape From Hell | |
 | "Dubbed directly from VHS" | 2008-09-28 |
| For all the people swatting back and forth to each other about this movie over foolish debates: look at the cover art, if you aren't sure if this is the movie you're looking for, for Pete's sake. How much clearer can the representation of each item be? If you buy a movie simply because the title fits your memory, then you deserve to be stuck with a wretched abomination because you didn't check to see the director's name or synopsis. As for the quality of the dvd itself, it stinks. Troma took this directly from the WIZARD Video VHS release. What proof do I have of this hideous deed, you ask? The first chunk of evidence might just be the full color WIZARD VIDEO logo that troma didn't even attempt to mask out at the end of the movie credits. Therefore, the quality, at best, will be what you once saw when you watched the video of this stinker 20 years ago. Anyone expecting an uncut version with some blood and guts can forget it, because this is the exact same VHS quality print you've already witnessed. This is a useless release, apparently cutting its profit on the suckers who are complaining that they thought they were getting a documetary of the same name. | ||
 | The Golden Voyage of Sinbad | |
| "False widescreen as usual" | 2007-09-22 |
| Just a quick note to anyone who sees this: as usual, these are not the true widescreen presentations. If you watch the full screen presentation and pick any scene with good border definitons, and then find the same scene in the widescreen version, you'll notice the edges have been edited over with black to create a widescreen appearance. In other words, instead of viewing MORE visual borders of these movies, the widescreen print is actually presenting much LESS than what was filmed. Stick with the fullscreen viewings so you don't miss anything. | ||
 | Crimson | |
| "The extra sequences..." | 2007-06-29 |
| I just want to add, for anyone who might stumble upon this, that in the extras for this dvd, there is a black-out occurring about 8 minutes into the bonus footage, and it lasts several minutes. I wrote Image to see if this was a defect on my personal copy, and they responded that this defect was apparent in the original negative source, and therefore is present on every copy of the dvd. I've asked other persons who own this dvd if their copies possess the same defect, but no one ever responds, so keep that in mind. It is doubtful that another release of this film will ever come to fruition, so its hardly a complaint, but it just happens to occur in a pivotal scene involving the most interesting character in the movie. Why then, was this segment even included?? | ||
 | I Will Dance On Your Grave: Savage Vengeance | |
| "Camille Keaton" | 2007-05-11 |
| When the title of the movie is spelled incorrectly in the opening credits, you know that it isn't a movie that has been given the utmost attention to detail and production quality. Instead, its the type of movie that will be badgered and ridiculed for its lifetime, and that seems to be the only type of movie I enjoy watching. I won't fan the flames of the critics out there, because they are probably too busy claiming that professional wrestling is fake, or maybe that there is an unforseen technical error in the 113th episode of Star Trek Voyager, and lord knows their critical opinions are too important to be wasted on a film of cinematic importance such as this, so all I can say is that this movie is well worth the ONE CENT I payed for it off of Amazon. Yes, its Camille Keaton coming out of the darkness to reprise her role in I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, albeit under an alias. Plain and simple, if you're reading about this movie, that's the only reason you're here, and you will not be able to sleep at night until you add this to your collection because you share the same addiction to these movies as I do. Join us... | ||
 | Star Crystal | |
| "one reviewer gave away the ending!" | 2007-05-02 |
| In my younger days during the video boom of the early/mid 80's, my best friend and I periodically rented videos to pass the late hours of the weekends away. I was born to be a horror /science-fiction fan, so naturally all of my selections were based on the cover art of the video boxes. However, in a strange twist of fate, my best friend grabbed this one and pointed out a very gory picture on the back cover, which thus guaranteed this movie was a good choice. I had skipped over this very same video 100 times before, due to the lackluster artwork on the front cover, but I am wise enough to accept that not every book can be judged by its cover, especially when the book in question is, indeed, a horror or sci-fi movie. However, something was rotten in the state of Denmark. I don't want to be the jerk who gives away the ending like another reviewer already did, but in case you didn't realise what the other person was saying, the ending to this movie is inexplicably ridiculous. Yes, its a completely original turn on an over-saturated genre, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. This movie is terrible in many ways, and the ONLY redeeming factor is that people are dying, and yet the shameful plot-twist at the end boffs up the death toll by preventing the death of characters that honestly deserve to die. Not only will you feel cheated by the presence of survivors, but the manner at which the killing is ceased will leave you dumbfounded. Amidst all of this, the change in the film's direction seems to be striving to create a warm and fuzzy sensation in the viewer, and this strongly contrasts with the initial desires of ANYONE who might willfully insert this movie into their dvd player expecting sheer and utter horror. The ending leaves me speechless to this day, and that's why I am compelled to write this as a warning to anyone who finds the urge to read these cryptic messages. Bad movies are a dime a dozen, but 'tis rare to find a true flounder that manages to create an ending that brings a terrible movie down to a whole new level. You will hate this movie because its bad, but you will be scarred for life because of the ending. Star Crystal is an abomination. | ||
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